but seriously, happy first mother's day

I'm 27, about to turn 28.*

And I'm a mom.


You guys, that's so weird. I was pregnant. And I had a baby. She's sitting right next to me, actually, snoring her tiny jowls off. Y'all, I still can't believe I was pregnant. And I was HUGE!

Two days pre-partum. Cats were orbiting.

I'm pretty sure I have those mom hormones that blocked that shit out, because seriously? I was pregnant? Like, ever? And had horrendous morning sickness? And raging heartburn? And random nerve pain? And was waddling? Man, I barely remember it. Then again, I had a stupidly easy labor, and a month later, I still can't believe that we had a baby. And I'm her mom. And we had a baby. I can't have a kid! I love wine! And hell, I love Boone's Farm! (Shut it.) And I love neon nails and Forever 21 and $15 Target dresses and blue eyeliner and dyeing my hair on a whim. Moms can do that, right?

I'm constantly afraid that we're neglecting her, even though we snuggle her constantly and obviously fulfill the basic baby needs of diapering and feeding, but are we stimulating her enough? She hates the mirror, loves bath time, gets bored with "let's play with crinkle puppy/rattle/mirror/flash cards/mobile!" She loves watching her dad play Xbox. She enjoys kicking, and punching me in the jugular (thanks). She pouts her little lip when she sobs, puts her chin on her fist when she eats, and crinkles her brow after she eats. She loves when I bop her mouth with her burp cloth. She gets confused by tickles and hiccups.

She's my Moo. We're still getting to know each other, but I'd do anything for my little peanut.

*Ohmigodimgoingtobe30soonomgomgomgomgomgomg.

happy first mother's day!

*Alright, alright. No babies were harmed in the making of this image. Moo was thoroughly pissed off about being taken from the happy funtime of her bath and scooped up into her awesome shark towel. 

baby please

When you get an epic "bitch please" face from both your baby and your cat, you might be doing something wrong.

make them good girls go tan

SWEET MOTHER OF GOD.

Okay, even if the daughter was sunburned at the beach (been there) and not in the tanning bed with her mom, can we talk about how she's tanned herself into blackface?! This has to be the result of the holy trifecta of tanning every day with tanning oil, spray tanning AND bronzer. Now, I get wanting to be tan, having been blessed with ruddy, pale Irish skin, but damn, woman has tanned herself into a totally different race.